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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27838807">if it's not us, then who?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/synically/pseuds/synically'>synically</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Choi Yeonjun Is Bad At Feelings, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, M/M, Mutual Pining, a sprinkle of fluff and a dash of angst, bcos that's how i cope</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:42:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,500</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27838807</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/synically/pseuds/synically</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>yeonjun didn't know when it started. all he knows is that he woke up one day and soobin is the first thing that came to mind. but it was normal, right? they're best friends after all. he'd like to think that was the case; ignoring any and all other explanations for the strange way his heart would pound whenever the younger was near, or how soobin's touch would burn his skin in a good way, or when he finds himself staring a little longer at the perfect cupid's bow of his lips.</p><p>no, he doesn't like his best friend that way.</p><p>(or maybe he does, he's just too dumb to realize)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>if it's not us, then who?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i wrote this for soobin's birthday! and uploading hours prior because it's a busy day on the fifth. fighting moas!</p><p>song inspiration is silent sanctuary's <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/0087fDVeNhuyMtST91RMjv?si=-VsQ1AWeRcCEz9YhOlkyGg">kundiman</a>. heavily inspired by that so i suggest looping it althroughout reading. if u can't understand the lyrics then u can look it up or not hhh it's up to you, and it doesn't really matter ig? only for understanding the song better and how it inspired the fic. u can just listen to it since it's better reading stuff when you're listening to something, in my opinion.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"hey hyung! we're hanging out with the music department, you coming?" hueningkai asks from beside him, packing up his notes. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"no, i'm sorry kai. i have somewhere to go to." the older smiles apologetically, reaching to ruffle the younger boy's hair.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"let me guess, soobin-hyung?" kai teases, wriggling his eyebrows.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"shut up." yeonjun scowls, trying to fight the blush on his cheeks at the mention of the name.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"well then, have fun hyung! see you in the next class."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun bid his own goodbye as the younger walked to the opposite direction with a few of their friends. he could see kai happily skipping ahead, clearly excited to see his boyfriend from the said department. he couldn't blame him though; because as he sped through the crowded hall of the dance department building, occasionally checking his phone for the time and a text, his heartbeat was also quickening with excitement. and once he had gotten out, he fixed the straps of his backpack and pocketed his phone, breaking into a sprint to the café they usually hang-out in.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he can't wait to see him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>soobin was already sitting at their spot, eyebrows furrowed and glaring at the laptop screen. he looks adorable and yeonjun smiles widely his cheeks could've hurt.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"ya! stop frowning, you look ugly." he says once he got closer, flicking the younger boy's forehead and earning himself a glare. before soobin can retort, yeonjun settles himself on the seat across from him and grins at the food the other had ordered. "hm, my usual coffee and your usual extra sweet caramel macchiato? and with my favorite chocolate bread too. be honest, soobinie, do you want diabetes?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>a smile forms in soobin's lips and yeonjun feels like a winner for being the cause of it. the blue-haired boy rolls his eyes good-naturedly, already used to the two of them teasing each other like this.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i just need the sugar hyung, you know me." then he scratches his nape sheepishly, the ghost of a blush rising to his cheeks. "besides, you look happy every time you order those. and i like seeing you happy."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun's heart fluttered at the words, but his brain was screaming at him to <em>don't look into it too much, yeonjun. you would say the same thing</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"aw my soobinie is so sweet." he coos instead, trying to ignore the way his heartbeat rang in his ears. soobin smiles at him again, and yeonjun was gone. "so, you were glaring at your laptop earlier. having trouble again?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>and judging by the whine soobin lets out, that seems to be the case. so yeonjun scoots closer and tries to help him for as far as his braincells could handle.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>choi soobin loves as sweetly as sugar; the rush of adrenaline in yeonjun's veins that keeps him up all night. the kind you just want to keep consuming despite the risk of aching teeth and a racing heart. yeonjun is not the type to like sweet things, but soobin is an exception — will always be an exception.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun didn't know when it started. all he knows is that he woke up one day and soobin is the first thing that came to mind. but it was normal, right? they're best friends after all. he'd like to think that was the case; ignoring any and all other explanations for the strange way his heart would pound whenever the younger was near, or how soobin's touch would burn his skin in a good way, or when he finds himself staring a little longer at the perfect cupid's bow of his lips.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>no, he doesn't like his best friend that way.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>even if soobin painted his world in bright streaks of yellows and pinks and blues. even if soobin brings out the redness to his cheeks. even if soobin made his eyes sparkle with joy and face glow with happiness.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>it couldn't be. he won't let him be.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>but when he finds himself on the balcony of his room, with his best friend dozing off on his shoulder, yeonjun feels warm all over. the younger was snuggled against him as they both share a warm blanket, breaths even and quiet. they were supposed to watch the moon and talk about their day, but it seems like soobin had other plans. yeonjun didn't mind though; if it means he could look at his best friend's angelic sleeping face, then it's okay. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>as yeonjun looks at the moon in awe — full circle and bright on the black canvas of stars — he finds himself wishing, praying, hoping that he gets to stay beside soobin forever.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>maybe he was a little dumb, brushing his feelings aside when he feels it all over skin and seeping through every crevice of his bones. but one could only deny it for so long.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>it happened when soobin barged in the dance practice room he always use after class. and instead of finding his best friend drunk in the booming music, soobin finds yeonjun huddled in a corner, face tucked on his folded knees as he terribly shook.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"yeonjun-hyung? hey, i'm here." soobin whispers gently, hands carefully caressing yeonjun's back as if he was the most fragile thing he had ever touched. "breathe for me hyung, hm?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>when his breathing had calmed and thoughts had finally cleared, yeonjun managed to vent out his frustration with not picking up the choreography as quickly as he would've liked, always pressuring and pushing himself over the edge.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>but soobin, sweet and warm soobin, his best friend soobin, only enveloped him in a hug. one that was relaxing, soothing like a warm blanket in the cold night. yeonjun feels the frustration draining out of his system, like soobin was the fresh breath of air after the suffocating hours in the practice room.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you always work hard, hyung. and it's so admirable." soobin murmurs, yeonjun's heart rate quickened immensely. "you're doing great yeonjunie. the results may not be what you want for now, but i believe in you. you're so strong, hyung. and i am so proud of you."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he didn't know just how powerful words are before that time as realization dawned on him;</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he's in love with his best friend</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>and he can't say it out loud.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>when yeonjun was pulled by soobin somewhere on the next week, he can't help but feel his heart burst through his ribcage. something about this brought him excitement and anxiety — two feelings at the opposite ends of the spectrum that's probably the most horrid mix yeonjun ever felt.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>they arrived at the rooftop of soobin's apartment building, and yeonjun gasps upon seeing some makeshift lounge with blankets and pillows and led lights under a canopy tent. there's also a basket of pastries and canned coffee in the middle, their favorite things, with a soft mellow tune playing in the background. yeonjun thinks it was so romantic.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"what's this for binnie?" yeonjun croaks, his voice a little constrained from the surprise.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>there was a pretty blush on soobin's face that reached his ears. "i wanted to make you feel better after what happened last week. and what more can do the trick other than bread, coffee, and the sunset?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun couldn't believe it. soobin did all of this . . . for him? it was unfair how soobin knows the way to his heart, making himself a home there when yeonjun could barely hold his feelings together. when he thought that soobin was sweet, he didn't know to what extent. but seeing all these things in front of him made it very clear.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>soobin deserves the world, and yeonjun starts to doubt if he could give him that.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he doesn't want to take a risk; not if the risk is possibly losing his best friend.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"soobin, i-" he starts, not really knowing what to say.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>thank you?</em> that's lame.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>i like you?</em> too forward.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>i'm in love with you?</em> too risky.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>as yeonjun struggles to find the right words, something drops on the top of his head, then another, then more. it was starting to rain. he rushes to pull themselves underneath the canopy, but it seems like soobin had expected it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"can i have this dance, hyung?" he says, offering a hand.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun was speechless to say the least, for the umpteenth time that day. it seemed like his best friend had developed a talent to make his words disappear. so he only let his action speak for itself as he places his hand on top of soobin's. he didn't really have the heart to say no, not when soobin was looking at him in that heart-fluttering way.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>they glided into a waltz around the rooftop, an old song from high school musical playing through the speakers. soobin's hand rests on yeonjun's waist, and yeonjun's on soobin's shoulder; their other hands clasped together to the side as they twirl.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>not a single word was exchanged, only fond glances and soft smiles. soobin would occasionally sing a line or two, eyes fixed on yeonjun's own, like the lyrics were written just for this very moment. except yeonjun was spaced out, too busy silencing his heart to form a coherent thought. and it doesn't help that soobin is pulling him closer as they near the last chorus of the song. and when it ended, they stood still; under the drizzle as the sun sets in the horizon. it was magical, the rain and the sun on one place, giving every drop its golden glow.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun loves the sunset, soobin knows that. what soobin doesn't know is that yeonjun loved it because of him. and the sight in front of the older is very much the reason why.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>the sunset colors soobin's features in the most enchanting way. it looked like soobin was glowing, especially with the damp hair and beads of water reflecting the light. yeonjun's breath hitched because soobin was so beautiful like this.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i hope it made you feel better, at least." soobin whispers, sincere.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"it did." yeonjun answers mindlessly, lips still parted as if he wants to say something more.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>soobin leans his forehead on yeonjun's, and the latter freezes, heart rate immediately rising a higher level and words disappearing on his tongue.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i'm glad." he replies, smile utterly breathtaking. "come on hyung, it's getting cold."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>the younger finally guided him under the canopy, handing a towel to yeonjun and he realizes that it was soobin's plan all along. yeonjun blushes once again, but he hides it under the cloth.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>they were now watching the sun disappear over the distant mountains, sitting side-by-side and sharing warmth and bread. yeonjun contemplates for a moment if he should really confess; the view was beautiful, the atmosphere was perfect.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>inhaling, "soobin-"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"hyung-"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>how cliché. is this the universe giving him a sign to not do it?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you go first." yeonjun says, being the older. he notices how soobin was hesitant since they started eating, and his curiosity was piqued.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>that was a wrong move. he should've just spoken first. because the next words that left soobin's mouth completely depleted his courage.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"someone confessed to me yesterday." he says. there was something in soobin's tone that was off for yeonjun.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>when the older realizes that soobin was waiting for a reaction, he stutters out, "okay . . . what do you think of it?" how he managed to make his voice sound neutral was beyond him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>it took soobin awhile before responding, like he was testing the waters.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i'm- i'm actually thinking of considering it . . ." was what he says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun felt like a bucket of ice-cold water was splashed onto his body, or his heart was harshly pulled out of his chest, or his head was smashed onto a wall. <em>that's a first</em>, yeonjun thinks. of course soobin would have admirers other than him; he was sweet and responsible and just the ideal boyfriend anyone would want. but soobin had rejected each and every one of those confessions, except for this one. it was a first time that he had considered dating anyone, and it breaks yeonjun apart realizing that someone was able to grab his attention like this.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"hyung?" soobin calls.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>there was something written in his irises that yeonjun can't pinpoint what. and despite his already aching heart, the next words he uttered broke it a thousand times more.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"sorry i-" yeonjun croaks, voice coming out hoarser than he thought. he cleared his throat, "i mean, that's great, right? you're finally giving someone a chance."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>something dies in soobin's eyes and yeonjun didn't see it, already looking away after speaking as his own heart could barely handle it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i guess?" soobin peeps after a beat of silence. "but i don't know if i'm making the right decision."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun smiles at the words as the sun completely disappears, a mixture of sadness and pride as his best friend was trying to take a risk.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>unlike him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"we'll know if it's the right decision in the future, bin." he says, squeezing soobin's hand. the younger returned the gesture. "let's leave it up to fate, hm?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"besides, i'll always be here every step of the way."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>that was a couple of years ago. now here he was, standing in front of the altar as everyone in the room waits for the groom to walk in.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>and then there he is; choi soobin. clad in a white suit with his parents on either side as they walk down the aisle. yeonjun's breath hitched because he still looks as handsome as ever, blue hair neatly styled and a bright smile on his face.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he was holding back his tears throughout the entire ceremony, heart racing in his chest. their memories flashing by his eyes. everything the priest said seemed to have blurred through his brain; everything except for the last statement.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i now pronounce you man and husband. long live the happy couple!"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>soobin leaned in and yeonjun held his gaze, fists trembling at his sides.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>and when that perfect cupid's bow meets its other half, yeonjun couldn't help the tears.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>it was pathetic. he was so pathetic.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>as everyone cheered for the now married couple, yeonjun only stood on the side. watching his best friend, the love of his life, get married to someone else.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>someone who made soobin feel special.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>someone who was willing to take the risk.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>someone that isn't yeonjun.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>god knows how much yeonjun wishes it was him instead.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>as the night went deeper and all the guests were having the time of their lives on the dance floor, yeonjun only sat on the corner table, sipping the champagne he hogged for himself. the drink wasn't bitter at all, but it feels like it; especially as he watch soobin dance with his husband with the same song they once danced into.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>just fucking great,</em> he curses in his head, downing another shot.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"hyung, are you not leaving yet?" beomgyu asks from across him, carding his fingers through his tipsy lover's locks.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun hummed, "no. i'll stay for a bit more, you can go ahead. besides, you have to take care of that dummy."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>beomgyu laughs at the statement, standing up and pulling kai with him. "baby, come on. we need to get home." to which the youngest only grumbles and clung onto him. beomgyu turned to the older again, "we'll get going hyung. just tell hyunnie and soobin-hyung that we left already."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he only nodded and waved his hand goodbye as beomgyu guided his fiancé out of the wedding reception, scolding him for drinking too much when he can barely handle a bottle of beer.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>a few minutes of drinking and listening to the mellow music, yeonjun feels a tap on his shoulder and he turns, seeing soobin in front of him, smiling and beautiful even in the dim lighting.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"hi hyung!"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>how much more pathetic could he get that his heart skipped a beat just at the sound of his voice.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"hey."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"why are you alone?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"oh. kai was already wasted and beomgyu decided to call it a day. they told me to say good bye though."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>soobin chuckles, "kai still thinks that wine is 'mature' grape juice, huh?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun joins him, "you know he'll never change. i'm just glad that beomgyu's always there for him."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"just as you are always there for me, right?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>a beat of silence. yeonjun doesn't know how to respond to that.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"thank you for coming today, hyung. i know how busy your job is being a choreographer. so it means a lot."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i wouldn't miss it for the world bin."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>the hall started to get noisy again as the dj played an upbeat song, and the guests started to cheer.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"it's getting loud. do you want to walk around the gardens and catch up a bit?" soobins asks.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun wanted to say no, thinking of every possible things they could talk about. "wouldn't taehyun mind?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>soobin offers him a gentle smile. "no hyung. it's okay." he turns around and yeonjun follows his gaze across the hall.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>there stood taehyun, in the matching white suit as he converse with soobin's family members yeonjun had also treated his own. as if sensing their gazes, taehyun looked at them and their eyes met. the blond-haired boy gave him a smile, as if giving yeonjun permission when he didn't need to in the first place. he knows very well that the pink-haired male is a special person for his husband.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>to be honest, yeonjun wanted to hate him. because in his head, taehyun took soobin away when he was already starting to realize his feelings. but he can't. because in reality, it was his fault for being too late.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>maybe it's time to put this overlong feelings to a proper closure.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>it was silent between the two of them, only the sounds of distant crickets and the soles of their leather shoes hitting the ground could be heard. soobin gestured for them to sit on a nearby bench, watching the moon like all those nights they spent back in college.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"hyung," soobin starts.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun waited, trying to ease his aching heart as he racked up his thoughts on what could possibly the younger wanted to say that needed this much privacy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"did you know that i liked you?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>that certainly caught yeonjun off-guard, and he snaps his head to the other boy's direction.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>soobin wasn't looking at him, eyes still on the moon. "that afternoon on the rooftop, i was supposed to confess."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"what . . ."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"but i didn't know how you feel about me." he continues, oblivious to the growing pain in yeonjun's chest. "so i tried figuring it out indirectly.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"when i told you that taehyun confessed, and that i was considering it . . . i was hoping that you'd say something. i was hoping for you to say some snarky remark like you always did whenever i told you i got a letter again. don't you know why i rejected all those people? because i was waiting for you, hyung.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you flirt with me and all, yes, but we've been doing it since we were kids that i didn't know which was platonic and which was not. and the vagueness of it all was draining and it was starting to hurt. because all i did was be by your side and treat you to the best that i could, but it seems like a lost cause. so that day, i decided to let go of my feelings for you."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun didn't think it was possible for his heart to break any more than it already has.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i tried hyung. i wanted to see if you feel something for me, enough to maybe ask me to stay and reject taehyun too. i was hoping you'd say some indication that you feel the same way; but all you said was <em>that's great, right? you're finally giving someone a chance.</em>"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he regrets it. he should've said something else. he should've confessed.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"it shattered me. was i too easy to push away to someone else? were my efforts to show you i like you weren't enough? was i not obvious enough? a lot of thoughts came through me after that day, i remember we didn't talk for a week straight and i almost lost my mind."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>no . . . you were the best, you were more than enough . . .</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"but taehyun was there. he was patient and understanding. i don't think i could do anything without him." yeonjun catches the way soobin smiles fondly at the ring on his finger despite his blurry vision. "i'm sorry for saying all these now hyung. i've kept it for years, but i didn't want to carry these secrets to the next chapter of my life."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun conditioned himself not to cry before this conversation happened. but just as soobin started narrating, he was already silently sobbing, cradling his broken heart in his clumsy hands. the hands that unconsciously pushed the boy he's in love with to someone else, rather than pulling him to take a chance. soobin didn't see it at first, too engrossed in the story. but it's also because yeonjun was good — too good — at hiding his feelings.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>but when soobin does see, a surprised look painted across his features. yeonjun was sniffling and crying his eyes out, face buried on the palms of his hands. and soobin, still the ever sweet soobin, immediately scoots closer to his best friend and rubbed his hands on his back.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"hyung, why are you crying?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>". . . because i'm the biggest idiot on the planet." yeonjun murmurs through shaky breaths. tired of keeping it all in. before soobin could ask anything, he admits, "i'm in love with you."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he feels soobin's hand stop moving. but yeonjun continues, desperate to let his heartache bleed into nothingness.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i didn't know when it started, but i guess i've been feeling it all along and just denied it until it was too late. when you said you were considering it, i didn't know how to react. you never said that before, and the thought that someone caught your eyes was something i couldn't handle. i was insecure; i thought you didn't deserve me because i was such a wuss and couldn't take a risk, because i was so dumb for not realizing that my feelings were too deep to be considered as normal and platonic."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>the amount of regret piling up on his chest were enough to constrict his lungs. words were really a powerful thing; and yeonjun wishes he could've taken the chance to tell soobin what he felt, instead of wailing because he was too much of coward.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you were sweet. you brought color to my life. you make me warm and you felt like home. and you mean so much to me that it hurts. you don't know how much it hurts whenever you go out with him. when our hang-outs got less because you're with him. when you became official. when you come to me and ask me for advice because you fought. and when the day came that you proposed. i stayed through it all because you're my best friend and i promised that i would. but each time i see you, the pieces of my heart breaks a little more. it's been years and i still haven't let go because i love you so much i don't know what to do with myself if i stopped.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"god, choi soobin. i am so in love with you and i am so fucking sorry." yeonjun finishes, full-on crying now. soobin pulls him into a hug and he doesn't have any more strength to resist. so he stayed there, staining soobin's white suit with his tears but both of them couldn't care less.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun is going to miss this warmth so much. soobin was his home. but now, he has to find a new one. home shouldn't be somewhere that hurts.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>and as much as he loves soobin, yeonjun's already damaged beyond repair.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you could've told me . . ." soobin whispers. yeonjun realizes he was crying too.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"what difference would it make?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"everything, hyung. it could've changed everything."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>it could've.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>they were both in love with each other at the same period of time. but one was willing to try, and the other was not.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>they stayed that way for a long time, in each other's warmth under the light of the moon. like the countless sleepless college nights.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>only this time, it wasn't yeonjun soobin's staying with.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun feels the other shaking his head and he pulled away, seeing taehyun near the doorways that lead to the garden. taehyun has this worried expression on his face, not a trail of jealousy or malice, as he looks at the two of them. and yeonjun almost pushes soobin to stand.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you should go. your husband's waiting." yeonjun said, the word 'husband' leaving a sour taste on his tongue. but he'll grow used to it, like how he once grown used to the sweetness.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>soobin looks at him, worried. "you're still not coming in? i think they're starting to pack up."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i just need some time alone."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>the other regards him then, sighing in defeat. "okay, but come inside soon, hm? it's getting cold."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>it was like what he said on that eventful rooftop hang-out. yeonjun hates that the bittersweet memory keeps coming back.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he stands up, taking a step away before turning back to yeonjun, who was looking at him still. his face filled with tear stains and eyes still glistening, nose red and lips shaking.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"hyung," he calls. yeonjun hums in acknowledgment. "we're still best friends, right? i don't think i can imagine myself not being best friends with you."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>for the first time that night, yeonjun smiles genuinely. "of course, bin. i'll always be here."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun stands up as well and hugged the younger one more time. soobin easily returns it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"but just let me move on, yeah?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"take your time hyung. i'll always be here for you too."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>with that, they pull away. putting an end to their once mutual feeling. yeonjun watches as soobin slides up next to taehyun, who gave the taller a hug upon seeing the tear-stricken face, wiping the leftover tears with the pads of his thumb. taehyun then turned to him, also worried for his husband's best friend. but yeonjun only waved a hand and gestured that he'll be fine, adding a smile to further prove his point. and taehyun looked visibly relieved.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>how could yeonjun even thought of hating him when he was the one who managed to do what yeonjun couldn't? when taehyun was the one who made a move while he only sat and wallowed.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun sighs and slumped on the bench again, watching as the moon disappear behind a passing cloud.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>even if it wasn't them until the end, he knows he wouldn't ever forget him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>so he wishes, prays, hopes that he get to stay beside soobin forever</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>even as just best friends.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>how was it? i kinda find it funny that this is yeonjun-centered when it's for soobin's bday (and look at it this way, yeonjun realizes how important soobin actually is, but sadly, it's too late). anyway, this idea has been on me for quite awhile and when else was a better time to upload it?</p><p>it's soobin's birthday already! can you believe it's already our second year celebrating it with him? time really goes by quickly. cries. i hope we all have fun tomorrow! stay safe and healthy moas &lt;3</p><p>-nicsy</p></blockquote></div></div>
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